Silence

The other day was a bad day for me. It started out great. Got a couple new Shirts, and a sweet necklace.
And then we decided to go eat at buffalo wild wings. It's usually a fantastic place to eat. I decided to eat something a little healthier than my usual Mac and cheese. I ordered the grilled chicken tenders, while Joe went with wings. We wait an hour until finally we get our order. Except the waiter tries to give me crispy tenders. I kindly tell him I wanted grilled. He says no big deal and goes to correct it. Half an hour goes by and still nothing. I'm now thinking I should have just eaten the crispy ones. Joe reminds me that I don't like crispy. So I keep waiting. Another 15 mins go by and the waiter comes by and says it's going to be just a few minutes. I'm starving at this point but think, no problem. I can wait a few minutes. Another 20 minutes go by and now I'm seriously ticked off. Waiter comes by and says they've had problems in the kitchen all night due to remodeling and my food should be ready in a few minutes. By this time it's already a little after 9, so I tell them to forget about it and we'd like the check. The manager comes by and tells us she's comped the whole meal except for the drinks. Not wanting the server to suffer, we left him a 20 dollar tip because his service was good. We wanted him to get more than the restaurant that night. So we drive home and I get chicken from KFC. They skimped  me a piece and didn't put ice in my strawberry lemonade. Then we went to get ice cream cones and Baskin Robins had closed early. Then we got some from the gas station, and they were so frozen burnt I couldn't eat them and gave mine to Joe. I was so over the day. I got home and noticed my pendant on my new necklace was gone. Retraced our steps back to the car. Not there. I decided I was done, and started getting Sophia to bed. I lift her diaper bag off the ground and there it was. Woohoo.
We decided to watch the movie Silence.
It's a hard movie to get through. It's about Christians being persecuted in Japan in the 17th century. The only way to be free was to renounce Jesus.
Seeing that really smacked me in the face and reminded me that all my silly problems were first world problems and were nothing compared to what people are going through in other countries. I'm extremely blessed to have been brought up in a country where I can make my own choices and can worship Jesus freely. A lot of countries don't have that luxury. They still have to gather and worship in secret.
Humble us Lord. Help us not to forget about our brothers and sisters that are being persecuted every day just for loving you.

Nicu

Now that Sophia is home from the Nicu, that life seems forever ago. But let me tell you, it was real.

To anyone who ever is going through or will go through that experience, it will be OK. But you do have to keep your guard up. The doctors and nurses want you to sit back and let them do everything without your input. They sometimes are sneaky and try to do stuff that you don't approve of. In the beginning I was OK with that.

I didn't know any better. I thought they knew best.

But I soon learned. And I implore you, if it doesn't feel right, give it time and pray about it, and if you still feel it's not OK, don't let do that particular thing. I tell you. We had to fight. I think they were glad to get rid of us.

For example, they tried to give Sophia antibiotics when she was first born. We said no. And the doctors did not like that answer, but we stood firm, and guess what? Sophia didn't need them. They also wanted to give her lasik when she got a little puffy. I had a bad experience with LASIK, so I said no. Doctors and nurses whined, but guess what. Sophia was fine.

Another big thing were the eye exams. They wanted to give her bi monthly eye exams. We let them do one, but they didn't tell us the side effects would be puffy eyes and broken blood vessels, so it was a shock to us. And we decided to decline future eye exams. That was hard for them to hear. they were bugging us about it every single chance they got. It was getting ridiculous. They even had a big meeting with us on why we should do it. Believe me, it got hard to say no after so much pressure. But I prayed about it, that night I had a dream to sign the refusal form. It took a leap of faith, but as it turns out, Sophia's eyes are perfectly fine.

Then there was her feeding tube. Goodness, how I hated that thing. Once she started orally feeding, and I started staying there 24/7, I kept begging them to take the tube out. I knew she'd do better eating if she had it out. Sophia thought so too. She kept yanking it out everyday, as if to say, “ Hey I don't need this." The nurses would all put it back in and nobody gave her a chance. Until Kathy. Thank God for her. She was our favorite nurse, because she didn't care what the doctors said. She deliberately kept the tube out of Sophia just to see how Sophia would do. We were home 48 hrs later. Who knows how much longer we would have been in there.

Now I'm not saying y'all should do the exact same thing we did. Some babies need eye exams, or LASIK or antibiotics. Not every baby is the same. Sophia was just super healthy and didn't need any of that. She just needed lung support. But the Doctors liked to be overly cautious and sometimes didn't stop to think about the bigger picture. Every baby is different and they need to see that. I'm saying, don't just step back and become apathetic and let them do whatever they want and walk all over you. Think about the situation. Pray. Let God be your guide. Doctors are human too. They are not always right, and they don't always know what the best thing to do is. But they do mean well. I'm truly thankful for the doctors and nurses of the Nicu. They were wonderful. They helped Sophia so much. We got along with them 95% of the time. Sometimes we had trust them and let them do their thing. And it was OK. But I am saying, ask questions. You do have a choice. 

Guilt and grace

Ever since Sophia was born, I've been struggling with feelings of guilt. Guilt that I couldn't keep her in me longer than 27 weeks. Guilt that even though it was to save my life, she has to struggle to get through this crucial time in her life.

My brain knows it's ok and that she's just fine and that it was for the best, but my heart wishes she could have stayed until term and if I had my way she'd still be in me.

But God reminds me that he has a plan for everything and that this is for his glory. I see it everyday. The way Sophia has captured so many hearts. She is such a beautiful special little girl, and even though she's only been around for 4 ½ weeks, she's already touched so many people's lives. She's already doing so much for God and He's definitely using her to teach us patience and making us stronger.

God is the ultimate healer and I'm confident He'll heal her and make her stronger. My flesh wants to scoop her up and take all the struggles away from her, but God is reminding me that that's his job, and I need to trust Him.

And he's already shown me just how much he can do with her. She's smart, sweet, feisty and such a fighter. I know she'll come far and one day she'll come home to us.